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Listening: “the process of receiving, constructing meaning from, and responding to spoken and/or nonverbal messages.”[1]

Few would dispute that our society is not skilled in listening. In our schools we have many courses on teaching reading, writing and speaking, but very few if any courses on listening. In fact, one study indicates that formal education on how to listen properly has only been undertaken by less than 2% of the population.[2] From the outside, it seems that listening is not as important to educators as the other communication skills, but perhaps this is a broader issue. Several studies indicate that we spend far more time listening than we do speaking, writing or reading. Estimates indicate that most people spend more than double the time listening in an average day than they do speaking or reading.

It’s crucial to pause and consider whether our tendency to have our voices heard rather than listen to others aligns with the way the Lord intended for us to live. It is easy to show how important listening is in families, friendships, education, and the workplace. Listening is essential to building relationships, learning from others, and getting work accomplished, and we can agree that listening makes us more efficient and effective, particularly in work situations.

However, we must see the importance of developing our listening as more than simply developing a skill. Listening is clearly tied to our life of obedience before the face of the Lord. James 1:19 indicates that “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” and the book of Proverbs contains many injunctions to listen—to parents and instructors.

To see that listening is more than a simple skill—and to understand what happens when listening is not done—we need to look briefly at what interferes with listening. What causes breakdowns in listening?

There is little doubt that listening skills have declined. Generally, listening skills are highest in little children, but those skills decline as children grow older. Adults believe that their listening skills have declined and that nearly one-half of them fail to actively listen in conversations and over a third admit to using mobile devices during face-to-face interactions.[3]

That decline is evident in the broader culture as well. In my lifetime, rarely have I seen the quality of public communication sink as low as it is today. The media have apparently given up their role of unbiased reporting. Many politicians focus on their own personal interests rather than the good of all. Headlines commonly contain the words “slamming” and “ripping” when describing people’s talk, and name-calling has become routine. Entertainers thrive on trashing politicians, often using language that is crude and degrading. Swearing demonstrates the inability to use language respectfully. Some words people use to attack others are not fit for public repetition.

The result is a culture of shouting rather than listening. This raises an important question: How do you listen when people scream at you? The answer is that most people do not listen to screaming; often they simply scream back. This screaming leads to defensiveness—which John Gottman claims is one of the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” that destroy marriages.[4] I would add that defensiveness destroys more than marriages. Gone are the concepts of caring, empathy, compassion, and building others up according to their needs (Eph. 4:29).

What I see—at least in Western society—is a deadly trend toward narcissism. According to WebMD, symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder include a constant need to talk about oneself, a belief in one’s superiority, a requirement for constant praise, a sense of entitlement, taking advantage of others, and envy. When people focus on their own interests above those of others, it is not hard to prioritize their own ideas and voice above those of others. As we look around, it is easy to identify these characteristics around us—in the news and across industries, from politics to entertainment. However, it’s important for us to also consider if our communication also reflects these tendencies and values.

In our current state, I wonder if some of our poor values and communication come from a time that has been too good to us. Scripture warns repeatedly about the danger of wealth and self-reliance. When people have abundant resources and freedom to act as they please, it is easy to adopt the belief that no one has the right to guide them and that they are sufficient in themselves. By contrast, those who are reliant on others often approach life with humility, making them more willing to listen. Recognizing our limitations shifts our hearts from pride to dependence on God and others, opening us to learning and understanding.

Negative communication greatly hinders listening. John Gottman also argued that negative communication is so powerful than one needs five positive comments to match one negative comment. That “magic ratio” is 5 to 1. This means that for every negative interaction during conflict, a stable and happy marriage has five (or more) positive interactions.[5]

Another reason that people may not listen is that we tend to focus on debate and what is correct. We love debate, and we love to be right. We can argue that our concern is for truth and justice—particularly in political issues. But missing in all this debate is grace—grace being defined as “undeserved favor” toward the other. While the principles for life should be “truth and grace,” we too often focus hard on the truth and do not grant sufficient grace and empathy to others.

Closely tied to this challenge of debate is the age-old battle between competition and cooperation. Competition is highly valued in Western society, yet the spirit of cooperation and unity prioritized in Scripture is often overlooked. Competition focuses on winning at the expense of others, creating a mindset of “me versus you” with little room for understanding or compromise. Cooperation, by contrast, seeks the good of all parties and requires humility and consideration for others’ needs. Scripture consistently encourages this attitude.

Another obstacle in healthy listening in today’s culture, is the value of efficiency. We like to get our work done quickly and value the resources and tools that equip us to be efficient. However, consider the work of listening and relationship building and how they cannot be done efficiently. It takes much time to listen to another. Relationship building is by its very nature an inefficient process. We need to “waste time” together. To pay attention to another person’s life story takes a great deal of time.

As we look to reclaim the skill of listening in our lives, we must first start with our mindset. Listening is not merely a skill; it is an act of obedience—reflecting humility, grace, and a heart attuned to God’s purposes. James 1:19 reminds us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” and when we follow this, we shift our focus from ourselves to the flourishing of others and the advancement of God’s kingdom. True listening opens the door to understanding, builds relationships, fosters cooperation instead of conflict, and allows God’s love and reconciliation to work through us. Though it can be challenging, the rewards of listening—both for ourselves and for those around us—are immeasurable.